Shame
In our world today, shame holds us back more than any other feeling.
In my life this one aspect pops up over and over again. This particular post is rather scary for me. I am not sure if it is a good idea or not. I am going to share with you something that I have only shared with three other people in my life. And even then I did not tell them the real story…
When I was travelling through Europe I spent a week in Scotland. I was travelling alone and was starting to run out of money. I arrived in Inverness late in the evening, around dusk and was already concerned that I would not be able to afford a room in the hostel, even if it was available. Fate being what it is, an older gentleman approached me and asked if I had anywhere to stay that evening. He had a kind face, and appeared to be offering me a place to spend the night in town.
Why we do not listen to the voice in our head, I will never understand. I have only heard this voice a few times, but every time I ignore it I always regret it. This time more so than others.
The drive to his house was longer than I would have liked. He lived in a cottage on the outskirts of town. I learned he was renting it for the week. I had no idea where we were by the time the car pulled into the laneway. I was a foreigner in an unknown city.
Upon arriving, my new friend offered me a drink which I accepted. I do not know if it is because I was nervous, or because the drinks were spiked, but I have never been so intoxicated before or since.
The rest of the details are uneccesary, save to say that I did not enjoy the rest of the evening. I have memories of being dressed in a kilt and photographs being taken. I remember locking myself in the bathroom until it became obvious that this would not stop him.
I remember asking to be driven to the train station the next morning. My train was at 6:00pm but I told him it was at 9:00am. I remember sitting in the train station and crying for 9 hours.
This event changed my life considerably. At first I felt it was all my fault. How incredibly stupid of a thing to do! I felt so much shame. Shame for getting in his car. Shame for staying the night. Shame for not fighting more. Shame for leaving the bathroom willingly.
Then something in me changed. I started to realize that nothing in my life had actually changed. Except for my new feelings of worthlessness. I had never felt worthless before. What was different now? Did I do something wrong that night? Was it really my fault?
Of course not. I probably should not have accepted his offer. I probably should have listened to the voice inside my head. But I did not do anything wrong. He did.
I am love. I deserve to be loved. I deserved it before being raped and I still deserve it afterwards.
Since this event a lot has happened to me. I have become so much stronger. I have lived in shame, but I am tired of that now. I don’t know why I feel compelled to share this story with all of you. Perhaps it is so that you will see that this blog was not written by someone who has lived the perfect life. This blog is written by someone who has suffered.
But through my suffering I have come to see how incredibly lucky I am. That night was a nightmare, but it was only one night. It is over and never has to happen again, so long as I listen to the voice in my head next time… Does that mean that I should stop trusting in humanity? Does that mean I should block the love from my life from this point forward?
I can’t do that. I will not. I forgive myself for getting in his car that night. I forgive myself for not fighting back more. In the end I was not hurt physically, at least not as badly as I could have been. Perhaps if I had fought back I would have been. I forgive myself for being raped.
I also forgive my rapist. He wasn’t really that terrible of a person. We talked for quite a while that night before it all happened. He is a school teacher, which makes me nervous. He did not hurt me. He asked me about my life. He looked at me with love in his eyes. But he was very wounded. Incredibly wounded. His wounds are far more severe than mine, if he is prowling around train stations looking for young men. He is trying to live in love, but is doing so in an incredibly selfish way. His passions are very unbalanced and leads only to hatred in his victims.
But only if his “victims” allow themselves to slip into hatred. I am not a victim. I have lived a life, with ups and downs. That evening was a down. But writing this post is an up.
Shame is something we all feel, for different reasons. But today is a new day. Today I am worthy to receive love.
I invite you to join me in love. All of my posts so far have been in an effort to bring people together in love. This is the first one where the topic is rather depressing. But I hope you will see that the message is exactly the same. I made a mistake. But the mistake was not getting in his car. The mistake was thinking this event had somehow changed me. I was beautiful before this happened. I am even more beautiful since.
I am no longer ashamed of my past. I do not care if everyone knows I made a mistake. I do not care if everyone knows I was raped by another man. I know that this event has not truly changed me. I am the same person I was before posting this message. I am the same person I was before being raped. I could allow myself to enter the cycle of abuse as my rapist did. I also have an affinity for young girls. I could choose to be ashamed of this fact and justify my behaviour by saying that I am a victim. I could turn around and do the same things to others. But I will never make someone feel the way I felt that day. How could I? I will not slip into the cycle of abuse.
I would rather trust in humanity. I trust that by sharing this message you will see that I am still the same person. I know in my heart that you knowing about my past will not cause you to judge me. It will only strengthen our friendship.
I am ready to live in love. I am love. I offer my friendship to anyone that will accept it, in the hopes that you will join me in ending the cycle of abuse on our planet. You are love, too. I trust in that. Together we can do anything!
You ARE love and you are loved. My heart cries out for you, I too have been raped and have held shame and worthiness within for a long time. I am still working on that. Forgiveness and love for the Self is what I long for and am working on.
You sharing this memory of yours gives me the strength to continue with my writings, to give a voice to all the horrific physical and sexual abuse I’ve endured in my lifetime. Thank you, your writing this post was very brave, you are a Warrior, and Angel. You matter and you are loved.
blessings,
Joan
Thank you for your kind words. I will not lie, I was nervous about posting this topic.
Your support is huge for me. I am so sorry to hear that this same thing has happened to you. My memeory is shared by far too many people. My only hope is that my memory will help others to see that you are not victims unless you allow yourself to become one. It sounds like your experience may have been repeated. I don’t know how I would have coped if that had been the case for me. I was lucky in that it was only once. My heart goes out to you. If you would ever want to have a private chat, you can email me through my profile page.
I am almost embarrased that you have called me brave after reading your personal story.
Instead I will take it as a great honour to be called brave by someone who knows what bravery is so intimately.
You are the angel, not me… You have truly suffered and turned around to live your life in love. There is no story more inspirational than yours…
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You are an incredibly strong person. Much stronger than me. My own cousin, a person who I loved and trusted, molested me many times between the ages of four and seven. I still struggle with forgiveness. I have to make a conscious decision every day to let go and not give in to the hate. I try so hard, but sometimes I still wish he would just fall into a pit of snakes. It would be very easy to hate him, but it will eat me alive if I let it, so I try to forgive.
Kudos to you for not letting it define you.
I am sorry to hear this Lesley. It is amazing how many people have a story involving sexual abuse. We need to end the cycle of hatred. The cycle of pain. I do not know if I ever met your cousin. I will not excuse his actions. But I wonder what his past contains… It is not as necessary to forgive him, but to accept him as a wounded person. The person you need to forgive is yourself.
You’ve never met him, and he is incredibly wounded. His mother is a narcissist and his father was also an abuser. I can’t imagine the childhood he had. It doesn’t excuse what he did to me, but it explains why he thought it was okay/normal. He was barely just out of childhood himself when he abused me. It’s that boy that I need to forgive. He as an adult feels no remorse, as he has repeated the cycle and is now as narcissistic as his mother, but that boy was just as tortured as I ever was and I forgive him.
I know I have to forgive myself for “letting” it happen. Logically I know there was nothing I, as a four year old, could have done against a teenage boy. I look at my three year old and know that he could never “fight” anyone off, and yet I somehow feel that I should have been able to. Couple that with my mother forbidding me to tell anyone so as not to rock the family boat, and the shame overwhelmed me for years. I’ve worked very hard to forgive myself and let go, but it’s a daily struggle.
The question is, Lesley, what is different about you now that you have been molested? Did he change who you are? Are you less worthy of respect now than before this happened? Is your body different? Is sex less fun?
The answer to all of these questions should be “NO”. The Truth is that nothing has changed about you. You did not do anything wrong. Sex is not a bad thing. Kids are curious. It is natural to explore your body as a child. You are not tainted or dirty. What is there, really, to be ashamed of?
Forget about everyone else, you need to realize that you are blameless and unchanged by this time in your life. Every experience in our life is there as a lesson. It is meant to make us stronger. The mere fact that you have not continued the cycle of abuse, means that you are worthy of Love. Worthy of respect. And worthy of forgiveness.