Acceptance
I am confronted with a situation in my personal life which requires acceptance of a fact that I very much do not like. I have been asked to forget about someone who I love, told I can never see them again. I have appologized in every way imaginable. I have offered my forgiveness. I have tried to start over, to take things back to a time where we are simply getting to know each other again.
What I have not done is accepted that some things I cannot change.
What is acceptance? What does it mean? How does it help us to move forward? If I am love, as I claim to be, then why can I not find the words to make her see that I have changed. That I expect literally nothing of her, except a second chance.
Except. Sounds a lot like Accept, doesn’t it? If I expect nothing of her, as I claim, then why the except at the end?
Acceptance is difficult because it requires us to come to an understanding. This understanding is multi-layered, however. The first layer of Acceptance is realizing that we have control of only one thing in this entire Universe. Our own actions. There is literally nothing else we can control. We can try to manipulate others to do our bidding. We can become incredibly skilled in this area and lead large groups in one direction or another. But at the end of the day, when push comes to shove, we can never truly control another person. There is always an element of risk when manipulating others, for we can never know exactly what the other will say or do.
The first layer of Acceptance has a tendency to make us feel very small. We realize that we have no control over any of the outside influences in our life. This seems so unfair. No matter how we try to manipulate a situation, no matter what our intention, in the end life plays out as it will and we seem powerless to stop it.
But Acceptance implies more than just an understanding that we control nothing but our own actions. The second layer of Acceptance is realizing that although we have no control over anything outside of ourselves, we have absolute control of everything inside of ourselves. We have control of our thoughts. But only when we exercise it. Like any skill, it must be practiced and perfected. We have control of our emotions. Through time we begin to see that emotions are simply reactions. We have control of our level of awareness. Most importantly, we have control of our actions.
The third layer of Acceptance is realizing that although we cannot control our surroundings, by exercising control of ourselves we are still able to create true change in our lives.
“If you want to awaken all of humanity, then awaken all of yourself. If you want to eliminate the suffering in the world, then eliminate all that is dark and negative in yourself. Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation.” – Lao Tzu
When we refuse to accept the conditions life has placed upon us, then we are not living in awareness. By refusing to accept that I can never see her again, I have continued to contact her every couple of weeks to find out if she has changed her mind. To see if my words will have changed her. But in reality, I am only pushing her further away with every message. Despite my intention, or my words of forgiveness, in my attempt to change her I will only reinforce her fears. Her fear that I am trying to change her. Nobody wants to be told what to do, or how to do it. That is the whole point of the Alternate Economy. When we try to change others they always resist. Not sometimes. Every time. Always. Through all of history. When we try to force ourselves on someone else, they will resist us. Maybe not at first, but in time, it will always happen.
When we live in Awareness and truly understand the layers of Acceptance we begin to see that no matter how hard we try, sometimes we loss Love. If we can accept that the love is gone and will not return, we are able to shift our thought patterns. We are able to be happy for the good memories shared. We are able to treasure the fact that we had Love in our life for the time that it lasted. And we are able to move on to the next opportunity for Love. Acceptance does not mean forgetting. Acceptance means true forgiveness. If I truly forgive my ex-girlfriend, then I will forgive her for never wanting to see me again. I will Accept this fact and move on with my life. I will remember the times we shared fondly and I will stop contacting her. I will stop searching for the right combination of words that will change her. I will understand that I cannot change her. I can only change myself. I can stop feeling remorse for my loss. I can start feeling joy for my memories. I can stop feeling regret for my mistakes. I can start feeling excitement for the new Love I am about to find in my life. I am Love. If I can remember that, I can remember that love is good, love is easy, love is beautiful, love is coming, love is given freely, and love is everyone’s. Through Acceptance I will come to see that Past Love is not something we should long for. It is something we should treasure. How lucky am I to have known her Love? Now it is time to share that Love with others, so they may know it as well.
I am Love. I will Accept that I can never see my ex again. I will move forward in Love and continue to push my message that love is good, love is easy, love is beautiful, love is coming, love is given freely and love is everyone’s. I will give my ex the space she needs. I will instead extend my love to everyone as love is given freely. I will move forward in Love, Accepting that by changing myself, I will create the Love I seek.
A good expression of some hard sentiments to swallow.
Thank you for your support!
I really needed this today. Thank you!
We all have bad days… I have had a couple recently as well… lol. Together we will find the answers.
You have gained such wisdom through acceptance of your experience.. Finding oneself is the key to this… You will always Hold Love for your ex girlfriend and have to accept that she doesn’t feel the same.. But it will not change that love..
Beating ourselves up over our past mistakes is often what we get into the rut of doing… this too can hinder .. Learning to let go and start again, letting all that went on before is often hard for any of us to do.. For we want to apportion blame.. and we feel guilt remorse and sorry for our actions.. This stops us often from moving on.. As our mistakes are often thrown back in our faces.. …
Know that there are supposed to be no right or wrong decisions in life Tristan, just choices.. You have chosen a new path in which your ex has chosen a different one.. The Journey is often fraught with obstacles.. The largest we have to face is ourselves.. This is why I say you are Wise… because you know you are LOVE.. And you will bring into your life that which you create 🙂
Excellent post .. Love and Blessings ~Sue
Thanks Sue,
Your comments are always appreciated and looked forward to. It helps knowing I have the support of people like you, who have no reason to do so.
I agree with you that acceptance is hard and it is really quit complicated. The thing about acceptance is that you do not have to accept anything, whether it is out of stubbornness or motivation for change. You say you can only control yourself, I disagree. You can not accept things and gain control over others, positively and negatively. Or you could lose that battle.
I think the main thing about challenging acceptance is choosing your battles. The control you have over yourself can only accomplish so much thus bringing the importance of priorities.
I believe this is even true in regards to love, you never have to accept someone does not love you. It is a better idea to accept it but I do believe that you can work hard enough for anything. It may not be the love you are seeking, but I am sure you can force almost anyone to love you in some way.
I know this is not the direction you were going in with your article, but I don’t want you to forget that everything can be challenged and with work, acceptance is a choice not an obligation.
I appreciate your alternate viewpoint.
I feel that in this situation I must disagree. Sometimes the best way to get someone to come back to you, is to let them see that you have moved on. You cannot fake that. You have to truly move on. And trust that in time, through love, they will choose to come back to you. Or not. But that you will continue to be you.
Yet, does that not show the true motive is not acceptance, but a tactic to gain someone back? I understand that you said Or not. Yet, it seems with this logic that if she does not come back, you are then disappointed, therefore not actually accepting?
It is one way of looking at it. We must keep some hope that love is good, love is easy and love is coming. When we accept that we must move on, and truly do so, it does not mean we close the door on our past lovers. It means we stop looking over our shoulder to see if they are standing at the door. They will knock, when they get there. We do not need to keep looking for them. We can trust that we are worthy of their return and keep the door open for that reason. But that does not mean we are disappointed if they never do.
How tender the heart in love. May you move on with sweet memories. Your attitude on acceptance is inspiring. As Pema Chodron says “sometimes when a thing happens, we don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing…” so moving on may look more perfect in the future than it does now. Hugs and love to you this day!
Thank you Stephanie!
love is good, love is easy, love is beautiful, love is coming, love is given freely and love is everyone’s….
you are exactly right.
These are words to live by, however in this situation, this person doesn’t know that. If she knew this, things would be different. And, like you said, if you push this message to her, you will push her further away. This message of acceptance is a great step to moving forward, and I’m really proud that you posted this. I love you.
Thanks buddy. I love you too.
I disagree with livingalifeworthliving; I agree 100% with The Alternative Economy. This abilitiy to accept is one of the most profound and difficult things; but resistance of the reality you are faced with only creates and propagates pain. Acceptance creates the space for change in a way that resistance suffocates and alienates. I speak from personal experience, and i know this is life-giving, love-promting truth that you share here. I’m sorry but I DONT believe in fighting for love. Maybe you will control the person in a physical kind of way, but the love you want will never come to you like that, you will only have an empty shell. I believe in recognising what you have and accepting that reality and living 100% true to that.
Thanks bryonyjoy1976,
I feel that fighting for my Love has only made things worse. It is time to give up. As defeated as it sounds, it does not need to be a negative thing. Giving up can be very freeing as well. I can give up the remorse, give up the pain, give up the regret, give up questioning how I should proceed.
It is time to move on.
A lovely and definitive post — good stuff!
Wonderful, I think it’s really hard to see inside yourself clearly all these forces pulling you in all directions. Wonderful challenge! I hope you go well through it!
Great post! It is hard sometimes to face the hard realities that face us, especially when dealing with matters of the heart. Acceptance is the begging of freeing yourself up for whatever God has planned for you down the road. I do not consider it giving up, when you accept the situation and realize that letting go is all there is left. Often times it is when we let go that we can begin to see the situation clearly and we can heal. Hang in there, it gets better.
gr8 post 🙂
You have come to a conclusion that is both new and inspiring to me. This post of yours has introduced me to a new chapter of life. You very beautifully define acceptance. I’ll definitely practice this in my real life.
But there’s one thing to which I disagree! You said that we can’t change other’s mind, we need to accept this fact and move on! But I believe that we can change others by our own thoughts about. It’s a relative world we live in afterall.
We can lead by example, but we cannot force change upon anyone else.
Here’s the thing, and it’s not meant to be offensive, but freeing. She’s just not that into you. It’s not that she’s not “where you are” yet, it’s not about opening herself up to love or growing an awareness that’ll lead her to you; She’s just not that into you. It happens. You shouldn’t beat yourself up about it. It’s not that she doesn’t respect you, agree with your message or even that she doesn’t appreciate your affections; She’s just not that into you.
Not everyone that we desire will desire us in return. It doesn’t make any one of us undesirable or intrinsically unlovable, it just means that there’s no spark with that particular person. You can’t love someone enough for both of you, that’s not how it works. If there’s no desire, lust or a feeling of intimacy felt by both parties, trust and friendship, it just won’t work.
Again, this is not your fault, or even hers. It can be a disappointment, but not the end of the world. As you said, grieve the loss of the relationship, remember the good times fondly, and move on. You will find someone who reciprocates your affections.
(The book is pretty pop culture-y, and geared towards women, but that doesn’t mean it’s no good. http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-ebook/dp/B001HC8516 )
I just said goodbye to a friend of mine who manipulated me into having feelings for him… then pushed me away as soon as I confronted him about it. i think he may have been borderline (no boundaries)… and he kept asking me if we could still be friends… and even offered to go to therapy with me, but still denied having any feelings (even after a lot of emotional and physical flirtation). I finally had to ask him to stop contacting me… no time for that nonsense, no matter how much i related with him.
Not sure what happened with you and this girl, but sometimes we just have to accept that some people are not ready to be loved or return it. and it has nothing to do with you.
Thanks for sharing your experience. There’s more there, it seems, than you may have been willing to share on a public blog, but all relationships are complicated at times, which helps us appreciate the simpler moments together. Hopefully the lesson of acceptance will make you a better person in the next relationship with a person you choose to share your life.
Yep, this is good.
So sorry to hear, my friend ………….. a hard thing to accept. I think the next layer of “acceptance” is “surrender” — meaning, we give up our attempts to change the other (even trying to be seen as having changed ourselves, is still a kind of manipulation —> we are attempting to alter the way they see…………which we cannot do. Only they can).
In giving up our attempts to change the other one, we turn ourselves over to the thing that is greater than us, & them —> Love itself. That surrender to love is itself the greatest FORM of love ……….. in letting the other simply BE, we honor them, & show them just how much love we are capable of extending toward them …………**sigh** It still means we don’t necessarily get What We Want. DANG…………….
All the best to you ……………
Very wise words, and in a sense what I was trying to say. Perhaps you have gone the final step. It is what I meant but not quite what I said. I like your version better. In changing only so that we have appeared to change we are not really changing. We need to truly accept our loss and move forward in Love. If they choose to recognize our success it is up to them. We are doing it for both of us, not just them, not just ourselves. We are doing it for True Love.
“Acceptance is very important in any relationship and lovers need to reach out to each other without criticism or reservation. to live with someone, who does not accepts you is a dark valley to walk through.” so I read once. Your article is very thought provoking.
Well said, Tristan ~
Going through something similar, a shift in perspective does the trick.
namaste~
The Lao Tzu quote gives real hope, perspective and strength. Sounds like you are taking it to heart…and action.
I am trying. It is a challenge. Time will be the key.
Acceptance is such a difficult part of letting go.
I especially loved the end where you say “I am Love”
We are all Love. It is time to act like it. I cannot change others, but I can change myself. I can start to act like the Love I claim to be. I can accept me ex for who she is. I can move forward and share my love with everyone I meet. So that is what I will do.
Interesting that you wrote this yesterday, and I wrote a similar post today. It’s really difficult feeding the right dog sometimes, isn’t it? I’m wishing you strength.
I understand every word you’ve said here. I also am going through a time when someone I love very much has gone away. I have strong urges to contact him every day – and I realize as you have that that will only push him away. All I can do is respect his decision. I’m working through my own issues through DBT therapy and Radical Acceptance is a priceless skill. Incredibly hard and amazingly useful all at the same time. This experience of letting go is that hardest thing and goes against how I have handled myself in the past. Thank you so much for this post…it’s very helpful to hear someone else’s thoughts on a situation that is so hard and universal.
I am glad my experience is not unique… although I knew it wasn’t. It always helps to hear that we are never truly alone… there is always someone out there who shares our story.
Thank you for this post. I’ve been thinking (and writing) along similar lines lately, working towards making sense of a personal relationship unraveling in my own life. I agree 100% with your take on the things we can control, something I’ve been reflecting upon a great deal lately.
Let the caged bird go free. If it doesn’t return, then it wasn’t meant to be. All wounds heal and all things have a beginning and an end.
It is true. Thanks for the supportive comment. Time works its magic and heals me even now…