In our world today we are motivated by a fear of being alone. What greater sadness could there be than a life spent without a Loved one to share it with? I have moved through many stages in my life. I have rejected those around me for various reasons. But what is the motivation for rejecting these people. Could it be that I rejected them out of a fear of being alone? It seems that in my life, the hardest part about Love is receiving it. I like to claim that Love is easy, but where do I get this information from? When we live in a spirit of loss, we enter a pattern of thought where Love is hard. No matter what we do we seem to push Love away. And in the end we find ourselves feeling alone.
It is my fear that the majority of people alive today live in a spirit of loss. They live in a world where Love is hard. But what is it that makes Love so hard? Is it a natural component to Love, or is it a variable that we have introduced?
Loneliness may be the greatest fear in our current times. Imagine if you were not thin enough to fit in. Imagine if people didn’t like your laugh. Imagine if you didn’t know what to say and everyone thinks you are a weirdo. Imagine if you were told you are not good enough. From an early age. Imagine if a friend notices you have a big nose and giggles about it.
Why do we act in this way? Why do we feel like we need to be perfect to be accepted by our peers? Why do we feel we have a right to expect perfection from others? Why do we really reject people? Do we reject people because we don’t like them? Or do we reject people because we are afraid that others don’t like them, and if we don’t reject them, we will end up being rejected…
Of the girlfriends I have had in my life, I have ended the relationship with two of them. The first one I ended it primarily because she was super in to me. Her attention and demands on my time kind of freaked me out. But more importantly, her attention and demands on my time freaked my friends out. One friend in particular, who at the time would have been my best friend. From the start my friend was not impressed with this new girlfriend. It became time to choose. It was obvious they would not get along, yet they both wanted to spend lots of time with me. This would not do. In the end, I had known my friend longer and so my loyalties lay with them. A few jokes here, a couple of criticisms there and before you know it I had convinced myself that having someone shower you with Love and attention was not what I was looking for, and so I ended the relationship. I rejected a potential Lover for fear of losing my current Love.
The second time I ended a relationship with my girlfriend was primarily because she had moved to Toronto. She lived 4 hours away, by car, and was starting at a new University. I had been in this relationship before, however, and that time it didn’t end well. That time she rejected me. I was not interested in having my heart broken again. I managed to convince myself that since it was still early in the relationship (only 3 month in) it would be better to bow out gracefully than wait for her to realize that she had met someone better in class. I decided to beat her to it. To end the relationship before she would have a chance to. I rejected a potential Lover for fear that I would be rejected once she settled in to her new home.
In both scenarios my rejection of another’s Love was motivated by a fear of being rejected myself. I don’t want to be alone, so I push people away that might result in me ending up all alone.
But where does this fear originate? It is a fear that we are not worthy of belonging. It is a fear that people will lose interest in us. It is a fear that we don’t fit in. It is a fear that we are not good enough to receive Love.
This fear comes from the story we have written for ourselves. It arrives from the pressures of a conformist society. We want to be free to express ourselves, it is true. But more than that, we want to be Loved. And so we modify our expression of ourselves in order to improve our chances of being Loved. We form strategies to ensure we maintain the Love around us. But these strategies are based on fear. They are based on a sense of worthlessness. Our strategies are coming from a spirit of loss. We assume that we will lose Love if we do not present ourselves in a particular way. But the horrible Truth is that what causes us to lose Love is in fact our attempts to secure it.
The Truth is that Love is created. But it requires that all parties participate in its creation. It cannot be created by only one person. It takes two to tango. Love is not bargained for, or won, or earned. Love is a decision. It is a commitment. It is a choice. Love is meant to shared with everyone, created with all. It is not meant to be exclusive. We are not meant to choose between Lovers. We are meant to incorporate another into our Loving arms. We are meant to create a bond with our new Love and share that bond with our current Love. We are meant to bring other Lovers together and celebrate in their success.
As long as we fear rejection, we will act in a way to push Love away. We will categorize potential Lovers to see if they fit our definition of a potential partner. The Truth is everyone is a potential partner. We are all looking for the same thing; Love. It can be created with anyone. Love truly is easy. All it takes is two people willing to try.
When we fear rejection we see ourselves as always being on the brink of loneliness. Or we find ourselves truly alone. But this is never the case. We are never actually alone. There is always someone, maybe someone you least expect, who longs for your acceptance. Someone who thinks of you before bed at night. As we begin to live in a Spirit of Receiving we begin to see that this list is larger than we expected. It isn’t just one person that Loves us. Even if we are without a partner, Love can be found in many other places.
A spirit of receiving is realizing that we do not need to act in a particular way to be Loved. We are already Loved, just for who we are. And the trick to receiving more Love in the future is simply to create it. Not with some people, but with everyone. Go out and create it. Open a door for someone, take your friends hand in yours, tell someone how happy they make you feel.
Love is not hard. It is not even uncommon. It is our sense of self, our wounded stories, that cause us to fear rejection. We do not want to be alone. But the funny thing is we are never alone. Not so long as we are willing to go out and create Love.