Loneliness
In our world today we are motivated by a fear of being alone. What greater sadness could there be than a life spent without a Loved one to share it with? I have moved through many stages in my life. I have rejected those around me for various reasons. But what is the motivation for rejecting these people. Could it be that I rejected them out of a fear of being alone? It seems that in my life, the hardest part about Love is receiving it. I like to claim that Love is easy, but where do I get this information from? When we live in a spirit of loss, we enter a pattern of thought where Love is hard. No matter what we do we seem to push Love away. And in the end we find ourselves feeling alone.
It is my fear that the majority of people alive today live in a spirit of loss. They live in a world where Love is hard. But what is it that makes Love so hard? Is it a natural component to Love, or is it a variable that we have introduced?
Loneliness may be the greatest fear in our current times. Imagine if you were not thin enough to fit in. Imagine if people didn’t like your laugh. Imagine if you didn’t know what to say and everyone thinks you are a weirdo. Imagine if you were told you are not good enough. From an early age. Imagine if a friend notices you have a big nose and giggles about it.
Why do we act in this way? Why do we feel like we need to be perfect to be accepted by our peers? Why do we feel we have a right to expect perfection from others? Why do we really reject people? Do we reject people because we don’t like them? Or do we reject people because we are afraid that others don’t like them, and if we don’t reject them, we will end up being rejected…
Of the girlfriends I have had in my life, I have ended the relationship with two of them. The first one I ended it primarily because she was super in to me. Her attention and demands on my time kind of freaked me out. But more importantly, her attention and demands on my time freaked my friends out. One friend in particular, who at the time would have been my best friend. From the start my friend was not impressed with this new girlfriend. It became time to choose. It was obvious they would not get along, yet they both wanted to spend lots of time with me. This would not do. In the end, I had known my friend longer and so my loyalties lay with them. A few jokes here, a couple of criticisms there and before you know it I had convinced myself that having someone shower you with Love and attention was not what I was looking for, and so I ended the relationship. I rejected a potential Lover for fear of losing my current Love.
The second time I ended a relationship with my girlfriend was primarily because she had moved to Toronto. She lived 4 hours away, by car, and was starting at a new University. I had been in this relationship before, however, and that time it didn’t end well. That time she rejected me. I was not interested in having my heart broken again. I managed to convince myself that since it was still early in the relationship (only 3 month in) it would be better to bow out gracefully than wait for her to realize that she had met someone better in class. I decided to beat her to it. To end the relationship before she would have a chance to. I rejected a potential Lover for fear that I would be rejected once she settled in to her new home.
In both scenarios my rejection of another’s Love was motivated by a fear of being rejected myself. I don’t want to be alone, so I push people away that might result in me ending up all alone.
But where does this fear originate? It is a fear that we are not worthy of belonging. It is a fear that people will lose interest in us. It is a fear that we don’t fit in. It is a fear that we are not good enough to receive Love.
This fear comes from the story we have written for ourselves. It arrives from the pressures of a conformist society. We want to be free to express ourselves, it is true. But more than that, we want to be Loved. And so we modify our expression of ourselves in order to improve our chances of being Loved. We form strategies to ensure we maintain the Love around us. But these strategies are based on fear. They are based on a sense of worthlessness. Our strategies are coming from a spirit of loss. We assume that we will lose Love if we do not present ourselves in a particular way. But the horrible Truth is that what causes us to lose Love is in fact our attempts to secure it.
The Truth is that Love is created. But it requires that all parties participate in its creation. It cannot be created by only one person. It takes two to tango. Love is not bargained for, or won, or earned. Love is a decision. It is a commitment. It is a choice. Love is meant to shared with everyone, created with all. It is not meant to be exclusive. We are not meant to choose between Lovers. We are meant to incorporate another into our Loving arms. We are meant to create a bond with our new Love and share that bond with our current Love. We are meant to bring other Lovers together and celebrate in their success.
As long as we fear rejection, we will act in a way to push Love away. We will categorize potential Lovers to see if they fit our definition of a potential partner. The Truth is everyone is a potential partner. We are all looking for the same thing; Love. It can be created with anyone. Love truly is easy. All it takes is two people willing to try.
When we fear rejection we see ourselves as always being on the brink of loneliness. Or we find ourselves truly alone. But this is never the case. We are never actually alone. There is always someone, maybe someone you least expect, who longs for your acceptance. Someone who thinks of you before bed at night. As we begin to live in a Spirit of Receiving we begin to see that this list is larger than we expected. It isn’t just one person that Loves us. Even if we are without a partner, Love can be found in many other places.
A spirit of receiving is realizing that we do not need to act in a particular way to be Loved. We are already Loved, just for who we are. And the trick to receiving more Love in the future is simply to create it. Not with some people, but with everyone. Go out and create it. Open a door for someone, take your friends hand in yours, tell someone how happy they make you feel.
Love is not hard. It is not even uncommon. It is our sense of self, our wounded stories, that cause us to fear rejection. We do not want to be alone. But the funny thing is we are never alone. Not so long as we are willing to go out and create Love.
Such an interesting perspective.
I think it can be different for everyone though. For myself, I never rejected Love out of a fear of being rejected and alone, but out of my poor self image. In my youth, I always chose “Hopeless Infatuations” because in the end, I didn’t really think that I was deserving of Love and Affection. I mooned over people who had no romantic interest in me, because (in my mind) that meant they had good taste. Whenever I found out that someone I desired wanted me in return, I no longer liked that person. I hated myself, therefore, if anyone wanted me there was clearly something wrong with them, and I wanted nothing to do with a crazy person who found me attractive.
Once I learned to Love myself and realize that I was deserving of Love and, in fact, quite Loveable, the people who cared for me were no longer crazy, but welcome additions to my life.
Just another perspective.
An interesting one, but I maintain this could still be reduced to a fear of being alone. By choosing “targets” that you knew were not interested in you, you are in fact still buffering yourself from rejection. By controlling the rejection, you are still surrendering to fear. In the end, you may have chosen to avoid “attainable” relationships, for fear that you would be truly rejected. “Hopeless Infatuations” are safe, because the rejection is expected. Real relationships are scary, because the rejection could come from any angle.
I just had that exact thought run through my head and was on my way back to amend my original comment. Weird…
Leaves me in deep thought…
Lost for words…
Thank you for the supportive comment.
You’re welcome!
For me it’s fear of not being good enough to be with anyone else. why would anyone want to love me for being just who i am. There is also the problem of who am i anyway? Often i have fund myself extending the hand and sometimes heart full of love only for it to be rejected. Once you have been rejected enough times you begin to reject yourself and you begin to feel like you have left to give that someone else would want.
Arrgh,, I left you a long long comment here.. and i pressed something on my keyboard and it did a vanishing act.. 😦
But Can say that it was very interesting reading your perspective on this subject.. And it takes courage to be so honest when sharing your emotions..,,, Loneliness is a state of being we create for ourselves.. as we shield ourselves from more hurtful emotions…
Having gone through a total nervous breakdown through rejection and other factors, its so easy to place oneself within a shell and not want to open one’s self up to sharing again that emotion we all seek.. ~love..
Love holds many forms… but the one that I found the hardest to master.. was in loving myself… once you can truly do that, and see how LOVE has been miss-represented in this physical world… You will then see their is nothing to fear in sharing and giving love or in loosing what we see as love or a loved one.. because we then understand LOVE is transformation of Self.. and it embraces ALL…
Finding that space within and filling it with love.. takes away all of that loneliness… as it makes us Complete…
Hope that makes sense…. great what you have been doing to your blog/s Tristan.. I have been reading via email on phone… but too busy to access Pc… So wishing you well and again another well written post..
blessings~Sue
That was me at a younger age. I still cry for one in particular, that I Had pushed away. There were others, but this one made such an impact on me. I think about it all the time.
Being older, I accept everyone, unless negativity is much of the relationship. I try to embrace.Life only gets what you give it. same as love! Enjoyed your post! Thank you. Peace and Love my friend! 🙂
the most burning human need is that to be appreciated .. by the way … love is a feeling quite selfish .. I love you because you love me .. I love you but give me your attention instead , your love … do not leave me alone .. because unfortunately no one taught me to love my self… in fact the most important first step for me..to be a complete person…:(
It is true. We demand certain things from our lover, because they “make us complete.” We are already complete. No amount of attention will change that. We must first Love ourselves, if we will ever be ready to receive Love.
Love starts at home. Loving ourselves and also letting our family know we love them is so important. When I was growing up in the 50’s and 60’s my parents never told me they loved me. It was supposed to be understood. But as a child it wasn’t understood from my perspective. When my Mother got older and began drinking her emotions got sloppier and came out unexpectedly, gushing out at the seams when she was drunk but it was also when she started to express her love for me. There’s a lot of people in my generation and older that grew up this way. Thank goodness things are changing. Love is expressed much more freely than it was. It is not considered “conceited” anymore to think you’re good at something. I love what Tristan is doing with this blog. It is evidence that each generation is getting better at loving themselves and others.
Made me think post……
Hi, Tristan. This sounds like a post written when you were thinking about your most recent relationship. I’m sorry that rejection weighs so heavily on your heart; you are a champion of living our lives based in love — and yet you still sound so sad. The rejection you describe was a large part of my life for 49 of my 51 years. This is what I wrote about it. If it doesn’t work for you, feel free to direct it toward the circular file — and worry not even a little about my reaction. I love you, Tristan. Your philosophy is cutting me a new life path. 😎
http://diabeticredemption.com/2012/03/23/love-is/
Thank you Judith. It is true, I often wake up in my bed alone and feel rather down. I realize that I have made many mistakes up until this point. I forgive myself for my mistakes, but unfortunately that does not mean others will forgive me. Living in Love is one day at a time. It is moving forward with forgiveness and positivity in your heart. I do not enjoy feeling lonely. And I shouldn’t. I honestly feel that I am one of the most Loved people I know. Loneliness is a selfish act, because it is concentrating on the negative aspects of our lives. I would rather be grateful for the people like you. This morning I got to wake up to this beautiful message. How much more Love could a man want?
wonderful ❤
You are kind. I’m glad my message made you feel good this morning, but believe me when I say, seeing an update on the farm, or a different reworking of your philosophy excites me, to see what you’ve written. I’m glad you have forgiven yourself your mistakes — that’s something we all need to do, all the time. Who doesn’t make mistakes? If we think of ourselves as humans, mistakes are a part of the package. But you have absolutely no power over whether or not others forgive you, and the amount of time you spend feeling badly about that becomes unused, even wasted time. The only person over whom you have direct influence is you — if you could see that no amount of loneliness, or sadness, will be alleviated by these worries, perhaps you might be able to let them go. I remember feeling just the way you described in this post. No matter how smart, no matter how clever I was, I couldn’t make anyone do anything. Out of that came the knowledge that when I finally loved myself wholly, I didn’t have to worry about attracting anyone — they were drawn to the happiness. This will work for you, or for anyone, if focused upon.
I am probably close to twice your age, and even though I can say what has worked for me, you are the one who has to take the first step — loving yourself and forgiving yourself without fear of what others will think. Do this, and your philosophy of Living in Love will draw others to you, and you may never be lonely again.
I wasn’t so much feeling lonely yesterday, as I was noticing how easy it is to slip into a feeling of loneliness if we are not aware of the gifts we have, which are sometimes more subtle than the “true” love we feel we should be searching for.
So sad and unfortunately I know people, who act the same way as you did. It reminds me of the bible verse-
For the thing that I fear comes upon me, and what I dread befalls me. (Job 3:25)
But self-awareness is the first step and you are clearly on the right part to finding and keeping love.
Living in Love happens one day at a time.
What a lovely post. I feel grateful to have found your blog. I agree with your words and especially relate to the idea of not believing I deserve love – it seems to be what’s underneath my fear of loneliness and rejection. It must be a message I internalized early on – unless I behave in a certain way, I don’t deserve to be beloved. I’m at the awareness stage right now, but as I take actions to advocate and be true to myself, I’m stirring up a hornet’s nest of feelings. And healing. Thank you for sharing the path!
Together we will find the answers.
Thank you for liking my post ‘failure is an option, fear is not’. Gave me chance to go through this one by you. I do agree that the fear of loneliness is by far the greatest fear that an individual can know. Some just acknowledge it better, some don’t. It is statistically proven that people who are surrounded by loved ones are far happier than those who are not.
Like the way you have broken your perspective down in words. It made for insightful reading 🙂
Priyanka
An old man’s perspective. Don’t think about yourself. You’ll meet someone you love. Or loves you. Or you won’t. Be interested in the world. Enjoy life.
Interesting. Consider though that in our current society it is difficult to trust strangers. I don’t believe we can be completely open with someone until we get to know that person. For some of us, experience has shaped us. There is no wisdom without judgement for that is wisdom; accurate judgement of circumstances. I think generalizing anyone who rejects another is inherently flawed in some way in kind of inaccurate. We all have our reasons for rejecting others; sometimes it has to do with our background, but other times, as Freud said, “A cigar is just a cigar.” We may not like that person.
Lovely post. Glad I found it.
A very introspective post – and a good one. Thanks!
From a psychology point of view, being accepted – and WANTING to be accepted – is a survival trait; it is hard-wired in our genes. Groups had a better survival rate for the individual than an individual alone would (not to mention the procreation issue). To not be accepted meant being an outcast, and outcasts were driven from groups (that’s the definition of ‘outcast’). Outcasts certainly didn’t survive long, especially child outcasts. Therefore it is to our own benefit to ‘meet the mold’ and expectations of those around us, “fit in” so they won’t cast us ‘out’, (though that term has no meaning in today’s world – in a sense. In a sense it still does. Therefore people feel ‘bad’, ‘depressed’, and sad when they find themselves ‘alone’ – it’s not to their survival advantage, and if you perceive something as not to your survival advantage, you will be motivated to ‘do something’ – depression is our body and mind’s way of saying “get moving, take care of this thing” (without being smart enough to give us a clue!).
Love. (wry smile). One of the most painful human emotions. Been there done that to about everything you said. Even nursed a hatred towards love for a long long time (still do on some levels). “To love is to lose – every time” – had become my own mantra. But if truth be told – that’s true ALL the time. You might as well face it going in – that eventual pain of ‘loss’. Sooner or later they (or you) are going to die, go away . . . something happens. So do you take the chance?
Well . . . if you think what you gain – the experiences, the richness in life, the loss of loneliness – outweighs the consequences: the giving up of the child (watching them grow up), the loss of family, friends, loved ones . . . pets, even – then go for it. And if not? Go for it anyway. I think this is one of the lessons in our lifetimes: we’ve got to learn to ‘let go’ sometimes. Not just ‘sometimes’ – but all the time. Everything. For in the very end – we all do.
One mistake many folks are making is in assuming ‘because I love them, they should love me’. Never expect love to be returned. You must learn to be content in the light of your OWN love – keeping it under a basket somewhat – and learning to take joy in doing the simple things – simply because you love that person; never mind they don’t love you. A really hard lesson to learn.
And no, you do not have to “love yourself” before you can love another – I never did love myself for a LONG time – but it was the love of another (a small child; a boy about 7) – who changed all of that forever and ever for me.
Odd, sometimes . . .