Forgiveness Dialogue

I know, I know, I am going even further back in time to address the challenge for week 2: Compassion. I am not really keeping up with the order of this challenge, so I hope you realize you don’t have to either… If you have just found out about the 8 Week Challenge, feel free to jump in at any time. I would love to hear your thoughts on Generosity.

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I have been struggling internally for the past couple of weeks. In general I am very forgiving. In fact I am probably considered by most to be too forgiving. I truly feel forgiveness is the key to allowing Love to blossom in your life. I have forgiven my ex girlfriends, my parents, my brother, my employers, my friends, strangers, enemies and even myself. I have forgiven cheaters and liars and sexual abusers. I forgive the thieves in my life and the alcoholics and the maniacs. I forgive the self cutting, the MDMA taken in secret behind my back, and the one who drank herself to death. I forgive myself for being so stupid in Scotland.

But recently I have encountered a situation that I find difficult to fathom. It is, of course, related to forgiving myself. The most difficult challenge of all. It is not so much that I do not forgive myself for my new desires. I do. It is more that I am trying to repress them. Deny these new desires exist. Hope they will disappear if I distract myself enough.

This is not what the forgiveness challenge is about. This is avoidance.

Forgiveness is about acknowledging our faults and trying to understand where they emanate from, in order to help control the behaviour in the future. So today I will finally lay it all out on the table.

I desperately want to buy the new video game Diablo III. I am Peace. I am Love. I am Hope. And I am a Bloodthirsty Demon Slayer.

I, Tristan Nagler, the founder of the Alternate Economy and the author of the 8 Week Challenge to Live in Love, want nothing more than to lock myself in my room for a month and play Diablo III until I go blind. I want to butcher vast armies of demons and undead. I want to launch fireballs into the crowd, summon forth powerful monsters to fight at my side and hunt for rare and beautiful treasures. The question is, why?

Why do I want these things? Why do I feel so strongly that I must play this game that is nothing but carnage and destruction?

It turns out, that I grew up in this world, just like the rest of you. I watched the Television ads, I witnessed the news stories, I sought out the violent films. I was very well brainwashed, and I still am. But there is even more to it than that. I grew up during a time when computer games took on a whole new life. I was never really allowed to buy any gaming stations as a child, but I did always have a family computer. I loved games involving knights and wizards and dragons. I would play these games as much as I was allowed when a small boy. It was the magic that really got to me. There was nothing I loved more than the idea of being able to manipulate and control magic. Then I turned 15 and Diablo came out… I was blown away. I had never seen anything like this game before. The graphics where spectacular for the time, the dungeons and treasures randomized, so no two games were alike. Then there were the spells. So many spells. And weapons and armor of almost infinite variation. Or so it seemed at least. Diablo was the first game I ever beat entirely and the only game I have beaten more than once. I was in Love.

Now, here we are 15 years later and Diablo III has been released. But I am a different person. So why do I feel like I cannot resist this game?

The magic. It has always been the magic. I cannot resist the urge to tame the elements. To master the arts of incantation. Since I can remember I have pretended that I am a wizard during my fantasies. And do you know what? It is because it is true.

I am a wizard. Or at least I was. A very long time ago. I know it. It has to be true.

To prove it I will give you two examples. The first happened but a few months ago when I met a good friend for the first time. She is a crystal healer and I met her when I found her small stall at a restaurant I worked at. She had an array of crystals displayed and some information packets. She is very knowledgeable in these sorts of things, and has a fair bit of knowledge in most energetic healing. When I went to introduce myself, she asked me to take a look at the crystals and pick out one that was calling to me. After a few seconds I selected a rather plain, dull greyish, green stone named Labradorite. I chose it because I thought it winked at me. Seriously. I saw a small blue flicker of light come from inside the crystal. So I picked it up.

And my new friend looked at me and said, “I see I have a Wizard on my hands. You have chosen a stone that only speaks to magical people. It is almost never selected. I see it blinking at you. It only does that around Wizards.”

Ok, so maybe that alone doesn’t mean all that much, but again I was given another example. This one happened on Thursday of this week. I sent a recent photo of mine to one of my good friends that lives some distance away. She showed her 3 year old son the photo and he replied with “Mom, you are lucky to have a Wizard for a friend.” From the mouths of Babes. I was not wearing any costume. I do not have long white hair, or a pointy hat, or glasses.

The thing is I am a Wizard. And certain people are able to recognize it. Those less concerned with keeping up appearances. That is why I cannot resist the urge to play games that involve magic and violence. It is not the violence that lures me. It is the magic.

I forgive myself for wanting to play Diablo III. The truth is I do not have time for such silly distractions at the moment. Nor am I keen on all the violent scenes I will be forced to watch. I will instead divert my attention to creating real magic. I am quite confident I have done it in the past, in other lives. I am sure that magic exists. It has just been forgotten.

I would like to start small. Nothing crazy. All I want to do is light a candle… with my mind. It can’t be that hard. A little focus. A dash of heat. Maybe an energectic spark or two. Surely I can light a candle.

I am a Wizard after all.