Week 7: GRATITUDE — Great big set of clues

How interesting it is that this post, which has been percolating to the surface for a few days, coincides so nicely with the 7th week of the 8 Week Challenge: Gratitude …….

Sometimes, I feel utterly at peace. Content, not feeling bereft. Desirous of nothing. At these times, I feel at ease with this idea: “Everything is perfect. And I’m doing exactly as I ‘should’ be doing.” At times like these, I feel so grateful! Gratitude surely must be radiating from me:), along with a feeling of existential success. At these times, I can truly see the opportunities for waking up, even when something is not going quite the way I wish it to. I am gentle, it is easier to be kind, I listen more carefully to the meta-communication of others. In “moments” like these, which actually sometimes last for days at a time, I am free of making comparisons between myself & others, & I can see myself & others very clearly, & yet compassionately. I think there’s a great big set of clues right there, don’t you??

Sometimes, though, I feel so far from What I Want, & desire for What I Do Not Have is nearly overwhelming. It’s not greed, exactly, as I don’t in any way wish to deprive anyone else of What They Want. I just am very aware of what is lacking in my life, & I feel so distant from ever having it. And sometimes so veryvery angry with myself for not creating the life I want, especially for feeling like I cannot create what I want. At times like these, I make a point of noting gratitude — making long lists of things I’m grateful to have, & not have. Eventually, my sense of bereft-ness, of not-having, will dissipate, & I can move back to a more balanced perspective. At times like this, I am trying to avoid the sense of just shoving the discontent from my own sight. I am trying to not just be squashing the feelings I feel I should not indulge, but rather seeing them for what they are. As all things that arise will eventually fall away, I know that the discontent will dissolve. A little act of faith, that. Sometimes, I am successful at waiting for this. Sometimes, I am not & I have the occasional little tantrum, haha. In these “moments”, which usually do not last for more than a few hours, I make copious comparisons between myself & others, between what we have & do & look like. And I always feel as if I am failing. Another huge set of clues, yes??

Chicken & egg: Gratitude feeds Contentment? or, Contentment nurtures Gratitude?? Who cares, she-says-without-having-a-clue. Who cares, she-says-with-a-chuckle-in-her-heart??? A lovely mystery, either way.

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