As my example of inward compassion I will in fact be posting a copy of a document I wrote while writing the “Quest for Truth” series. I think it quite perfectly illustrates what my life has been like and will be a great example for non-judgment. If I had not lost my six Lovers, I would not have learned these 6 valuable lessons about Love.
I hope you enjoy!
By now you are probably wondering what sort of a person sits down and writes the things that I have written. Do I think that I am the messiah, or the next ascended master? Of course not. I am just a man.
I have lived a life. Not a particularly long one, but one that is very representative of the Age of Aquarius. Through the lessons of Karma I have come full circle and realized that all of the pain in my life is my own doing.
I have been involved in six sexual relationships so far in my life. These six women would be represented as the loves of my life.
In my first relationship I was quite young. I starting dating a woman of spectacular intelligence and grace. But she had a daughter. Not my daughter, another man’s. In this relationship I was living in a wounded state and it did not survive. I lived in greed at this point and I was unable to allow my love to blossom. The resource I was greedy about was time. I was never jealous of her daughter. But I did resent her. I resented the time she took from my life. I was in my first year of university and trying to make new friends, but I was also spending most of my time with my lover’s daughter. Instead of choosing to embrace this time spent with a beautiful young mind, I choose to become selfish and resent the time I “wasted” with her daughter. Ultimately, I rejected my lover out of greed.
When I entered my second relationship I was now wounded from the first. But this time it was because I had come to realize that I had pushed a true love away with my foolishness. Now I was wounded in a new way. Now I was living in remorse. When I entered this relationship, I entered into it with someone who I knew I could not succeed with. Because I felt that I did not deserve to be loved, I chose someone who would oblige me. She was a foreign exchange student and two months away from returning to Germany forever. I literally followed her around the globe in my remorse, but this only caused her to reject me. I was not following her for love, but rather to lengthen the pain. Ultimately, my lover rejected me over remorse.
When I entered my third relationship I was wounded further still from the previous one. But this time it was because I felt rejected. I would not allow this pain to enter my life again. It was a good year in between these relationships. During this time I externalized my wounds again and started to live in judgment. I began dating a very nice and enthusiastic girl. She was infatuated with me, but I knew that I was her first real boyfriend. In judgment I saw her enthusiasm as inexperience. It soon began to grate on my nerves. If she liked me that much there must be something wrong with her. I literally broke up with her because her smell became too much for me to bear. How much more judgmental of a reason could there be to end a relationship? Ultimately, I rejected my lover out of judgment.
When I entered my fourth relationship I was wounded further still from the previous one. But this time it was because I felt ashamed. I knew that I had acted inappropriately in my last relationship. There was another considerable gap between these relationships. During this time I internalized my wounds once more and started to live in hatred. At this point I started to date a woman of intoxicating beauty. But she was also quite wounded. She had many issues surrounding her sexuality. But my main attraction to her was her sexuality. So we fought and fought and fought. Our relationship was passion in the most unbalanced sense. In the end we hated each other more than we loved each other. On Christmas Eve she told me that she had met someone else. After two years together I had driven her to hate me as much as I hated myself. Ultimately, my lover rejected me over hatred.
When I entered my fifth relationship I was wounded further still from the previous one. But this time it was because I felt betrayed. I did not do the greatest job at learning my lesson after this relationship. Instead I became fearful of love in general. With so many failures and my last relationship ending in such a traumatic way I began to live in fear. It took me two years to find my next girlfriend. I started to date a woman who was genuinely affectionate and truly cared for me. But I was blind to see it until it was over. What I saw was that she lived in another city. It was only 4 hours drive away, and her family lived back here, so there was no reason to really think it could not have worked. But I had already been in a long distance relationship. And it was the one where I felt the most remorse. In my fear I saw only my previous relationship and could not see my current one. Ultimately, I rejected my lover out of fear.
When I entered my sixth and final relationship I was wounded further still from the previous one. But this time it was because I felt like I would never figure love out. I started dating a girl quite quickly after my fifth relationship. She was much younger than me and not at all interested in being in a relationship with anyone. She enjoyed her freedom, but I managed to convince her to date me by showering her with affection. At this point I was living in loss. Because I was expecting the relationship to fail from its start, I overcompensated by throwing every gift I could imagine at my new girlfriend. I would prove to her that I was worth sticking with, if it killed me. But in the end, my overbearing affection only pushed her away. By expecting to lose her, I got just what I expected. Ultimately, my lover rejected me over my feelings of loss.
While this story was playing itself out I had no idea what was going on. It is only by looking back over my life with a spirit of Compassion that the pieces of the puzzle begin to fit together. This is Karma. My life is both incredibly complex, yet incredibly simple. In my youth I was greedy which caused me to express my woundedness outwardly. I rejected my lover. When I started to realize that this was a mistake I entered remorse, expressing my woundedness inwardly. My next lover rejected me because I lived in remorse. After being rejected for the first time, I decided to avoid that pain again. This caused me to become judgmental of my next partner, expressing my woundedness outwardly again. I rejected her as well. After doing this I felt guilty which caused me to express my woundedness inwardly once more. Now I was living in hatred. My next lover rejected me because I spread my hate to her. This caused me to become fearful of relationships in general. I met someone who actually really liked me, but this relationship only lasted a few months. I was now expressing my woundedness outwardly, so I rejected her. With so many failures behind me I started to think that maybe I would never find true love, so I expressed my woundedness inwardly and began to live in loss. Then I meet someone that I really like, so I begin to smother them in the hopes that they will not leave me. My lover rejects me because I push her away.
The lesson of my life is that love cannot exist if any of the emotions are wounded. It requires all six aspects of emotion to exist in the healthy state for true love to manifest. In order to experience true love we must live in generosity, compassion, hope, passion, the spirit of receiving and joy. It takes all six to live a balanced healthy loving life.
I am currently single. It has only been a few months since my last relationship where I lived in loss. What I am coming to learn is that true love is something that comes from within me. When I balance my emotions, true love will start to appear everywhere. It doesn’t matter if I never date again. I know that now that I have healed all of the aspects of my emotions I will receive love everywhere I go. The universe simply mirrors what we project. If I am love, then all around me will love me.
I am not special, or different than anyone else. All that I have done is calm my soul and take the time to listen. I knew there was a lesson to learn. An idea was beginning to form in my mind. It turns out thinking did little to help. It was only by listening that the pieces began to fit together. The universe wants us to learn these things. The Alternate Economy is simply an idea, come full circle.
The story that I have related to you is an incredibly personal one and you may be wondering why I felt it was necessary to share it with you. At first I thought that the Alternate Economy would equal change at the community level which then filtered down to the personal level. I am coming to realize that this is the selfish stance. It implies that we do not ourselves have to change. What I have come to realize is that the Alternate Economy will only succeed if there is change at the personal level. This change will then filter up to the community level, not the other way around. The Alternate Economy is about TRUE change. True change is a personal story of growth and learning. True change starts with One Life.
Thank you for sharing your personal story. It shows great self-knowledge. Once we can have compassion for our human self and the experiences that we have had then real love can bloom. You are a wonderful example.
Thank you. It is amazing how just being honest with yourself can be so hard yet so revealing.
Too true 🙂
when one romances life…living… loving, not just existing
Life will romance you back and open a door to give you exctly
what you need….I went through the stges too, still do on some level
but oh how I love romancing life…it gives me roses and daisies and forget-me-nots every day, I have beautiful abncient spirits to talk to under the the Trees which they live in…I have the most beautiful creatures singing to me outside my window, and I have company with the creatures that roam my little piece of earth here..
and so much more…Life so romances me …!
This was a very wise piece of writing..I think you are right..it will filter up and through community, but it will also filter throough every “one” person that embraces it….
I enjoyed reading your thoughts…
Thank you for sharing…
Thank you for the beautiful comment. Life is an adventure, and the present so fleeting. Why not add a little Romance.
I read every word of this today, sometimes i don’t, it’s personal choice. I like how you manage to name love; generosity, compassion, hope, passion, spirit of receiving and joy, how wonderful if only it was that easy. Everything starts with one, you or me, i cannot change someone else, in fact i cannot really know what someone else is feeling but i do know how i feel and i can only change me.
I am glad that this post spoke to you. I agree. we can only try to work on ourselves.
Thank you for your sharings and for the inspiration
It’s what I do… I am glad my thoughts were meaningful to you.
Your understanding of yourself is amazing, and your analysis and presentation is superb. You’ve done a great job of letting yourself grow, and you also have here the makings of a great memoir piece. Thanks for it.
I think eventually I would like to write a book. I am just not sure what to do yet… lol.
Some of us take longer to figure all of this out. This is a very powerful piece of self discovery.
Well, talking things out with my supportive parents doesn’t hurt…
That’s so true. A problem shared is a problem halved. (I have so many sayings for every occasion, like a greeting card company).
It takes great courage to speak on a personal level Tristan, and you have much wisdom and insight for one so young..
Life holds throws us many lessons, and many do not even see the Signs as those lessons repeat.. until we learn from them..
What you have stated here makes sense to myself.. For it is only by going through such experience and standing back, that we see just what we were meant to learn..
Reading above I read your comment about writing a book.. You have a great ability with the written word.. one that holds the reader within the words…
Go with your gut, and follow your Signs Tristan..
Life is for living, and once we get past all of those emotions you have shared,, we become Free to Enjoy …
Wishing you a Great Weekend .. ~Sue
Thanks for the positive thoughts Sue. There is a part of me that feels perhaps a story could be written to inspire people to live in Love. It is beginning to form, but I am still not sure which direction I want it to go. Could it be possible to write an engaging story that did not center around conflict?
Conflict is always present, even if we have no one to be in conflict with.. we find that we are in conflict with ourselves.. the ying and yang aspects of us are always in there… somewhere.. it takes a great Master to overcome and still the mind.. so that we find peace within.. I am still seeking.. and still having Loooooong conversations with myself.. in Conflict, as I doubt my self..
If I have any advice for you Tristan, its to live in the NOW, and follow your HEART and your GUT feelings.. and let Life Flow.. Too much thinking hurts the brain.. LOL..
I have come to the point where WHAT will BE will BE.. and I am where I am meant to be..
We forget half the time to just ‘BE’, and enjoy BEING ,..
There has to be a Positive and Negative in ALL things… for without sorrow we wouldnt know Joy..
We came to this Life to experience ALL emotions and learn from them.. so there in is your answer..
Wishing you a great ‘thoughtful Weekend’,, ~Sue x
The Perfect Reply.
🙂 always! as is INSPIRATION!
I applaud you on your bravery for airing this very personal story for all of us to read. And I admire you for being able to analyze yourself so thoroughly and honestly. I don’t know many people who would be able to do that, myself included in most cases.
I agree with you that change comes from within and that if you truly want things to change you must first start with yourself. Sometimes that’s easier said than done. It’s funny, we seem to be on the same wavelength about that because I posted a quote that pretty much says the same thing a couple of weeks ago: http://brilliantlynovel.wordpress.com/2012/04/08/quote-april-8th-2012/
They say hindsight is 20/20, and I believe that everything happens for a reason. In this case both seem to ring true. I’m sorry that you had to go through what you did but all of those experiences contribute to the person that you are today. By looking back and learning from them you were able to grow on a personal level, and I have to say that you are definitely a bigger person than most by not just blaming the other party for the failure and going on your merry way. I wish you luck in your search for love and remind you to be patient, because it seems that we often find what we are looking for when we’re not really looking at all 😉
Thanks for the thoughtful comment. I am not sorry that I went through these things. Maybe a little tender sometimes, but I feel that my story is what has shaped me. Without my experiences, I would not be on the mission I am today.
A poignant and painful story, with a happy ending, or at least heading that way. Thank you for letting us hear it.
The ending will be happy, of that I am sure. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
I love how you’ve learned to see that All That Came Before can lead us to What We Need To Be. And I think you are quite right in understanding that the new community will be shaped by the new people we become…….. it ALL starts with the individual’s change, doesn’t it??
Let’s hope so…
Reblogged this on Wiccanwoman – my blog and commented:
This morning I was honored to find that the author of this post (and The Alternate Economy on FaceBook) had read – and liked – my post, “I Am… Cake Lady.” In visiting his site and rambling around, I came upon this entry which touched me deeply. Please share with others, as it is very worthwhile reading.
I’ve reblogged this entry… here:
I hope it brings others to your worthwhile pages. Namaste.